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That was maybe in eighth grade, probably not so long after the suicide event. I knew then that he was making a decision that would probably stick. He would bury it in his subconscious and forget about it. Even at that age I knew that one made decisions and they became automatic, and you forgot you ever made them. I tried to make notes of the decisions I made, so I would not forget the reasons for them. I made a note to never trust this guy again and in retrospect I was right. He was for himself now. And my prediction proved true. Course I was no help at all. I was awful with woman and some of his friends, painfully shy and useless. So can't blame it all on him.
I tried to learn what I already believed and already knew and what I did not. I eventually came to the conclusion that many if not most of my questions I could not answer. I did not have enough information. I did not have enough experience. If I did not trust books I would need real experience. I decided to reject all sources such as the great minds, philosophers, and thinkers that were considered as great authorities. I knew I was screwed up and that society in general was also, and thus whatever they had to say did not apply to social reality in general, even though in that day, they were so much revered. Could look at 'World War Two' to decide that. I decided that the thing was - to try to figure it out for myself. Another thing I decided was I couldn't trust anybody else for the truth. I knew that people had motives which overrode whatever the truth might be, and thus could not be believed.
(6 of 15)
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