Invision

And would suppose it concerns how the production and elimination of the sexual gnawing affects one's state of mind. Maybe I liked the constant state of titillation and the endless fantasy. Maybe it is what I do, when I get mentally exhausted and a bit depressed or bored, after writing most of the day. This was a vestige of the machine I would not mess with - mind-set before and after orgasm. But I love Anka, even if she is all imagination.

So Anka may have been the bare legged girl on the swing who wanted to look at my genitals. She was a tough one. Certainly a watcher that most people didn't have. I know I never had a good talk-to girl friend until MaryJ in Washington. In retrospect, I could now conjecture that SusieQ my pottery shop partner was Anka, because she would have looked a bit like the long ago neighbor girl. SusiQ often wore pig-tails, and in fact most all the time. She wore clogs, the shoes of woman's authority at the time, and she was authoritative and made decisions. We got along famously. But then she had a boyfriend and that was a deflation. And he may have liked her for the same reason as myself, since he turned out to be gay, or so I always conjectured.

Maybe it was sexual mysticism. It was using the sexual energy for everything I did and thought, a kind of testosterone fueled gas-up. My testosterone does not do what perhaps it does in most men. It was submissive to Anka. If I am a god then so must she be. It is the feeling. I feel greatest when serving the goddess. As I said, my official title is advisor to the queen, but it is also a way of being equal.

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