Cheryl

Next time I saw her I found I could not but still be in love with her. I found I had to continue to flirt with her and carry on the same as usual. However now I was more bold. Would tell her I was poor and old. In fact I knew all along that it was my responsibility to discourage her. Age wise and intellectually the gap was a chasm. Of course intellectually the gap is a schism with everyone I am likely to meet. So that is not much matter to me. Am looking for someone intellectually curious and adventuress. I have tons to teach. But then again with her busy life, when would she have time. But couldn't help myself. I was just the same, just as flirty, just as complimentary. As soon as I got around her I got all flustered. Had to punch buttons and numbers to pay for my groceries with my food-stamp card. Most of the time I would do it wrong and she had to do it for me. I told her, "...normally I function fine until I get around you - I fall all to pieces". I didn't care if she had seventeen boyfriends. She was just too much fun. And she seemed overjoyed that I was still coming around, that I was just the same, and had not soured on her. Course I could have been reading into the way she just is naturally anyway. I know these work-a-where woman have old men flirting with them all the time. I am not the only one.

Not the first time I have had an imaginary girl friend. I once was in love with a disk jockey. Course I was also having a schizophrenic episode at the same time. I never met her. I would send her letters. I would listen to her program and divine messages based on the the first line of the songs she would play and the order she would play them. I would send her impressions telepathically. It was a long involved scenario. In retrospect, much of it was purely illusionary. But then some of it was actual and could only be explained by something seemingly real, which keeps the illusion alive. Don't think I ever saw her in person. May have once - walking on the beach, when I went to an event put on by the radio station she worked. I was sitting on the beach and I thought it might be her that was walking by, but I couldn't get up and run over to her. There was no indication that she ever noticed me. She did not ever write me back. I could not approach her in any manner, since it might prove to be only in my mind, and such a fool I would be. If she wouldn't write, it was an illusion and leave it at that. Hard to know in these situations. But nothing like an imaginary girl friend. She can be anything you want her to be.

In retrospect it is just as well it didn't happen. Her life was music and I had ringing ears and could not be around loud noise. Her life was going to concerts and musical events, meeting rock and roll super stars. Not exactly my cup of tea. This I knew. I had been writing philosophical concepts for at least several years by now. I knew the two lifestyles were probably incompatible, although in my mind I could make it work; the nice thing about an imaginary girlfriend. Had I become involved with her I probably would have never pursued my philosophy. Decisions made in the present that will greatly affect the future should correspond to one's seeming calling. The determination there, that's the problem.

That has been a problem all my life, work or love. The way I am made, I like a dominant woman, at least the physical or sexual side of me does; a conflict between body and mind. However my mind would never allow me to pursue such a course, even on the few occasions one might have had the opportunity. And of course such a woman would be incompatible with my dominant mind and my preoccupation with knowledge. Sophia was a great compromise. But she needed to separate from me and my influence, and go on her own; and she would never leave her family. A few years later I met Anna on the Internet. She was nearly the perfect woman. She allowed me to be a house-husband and to wait on her. She was a genius and infinitely entertaining. And she made possible the pursuit of my philosophy. I had the perfect woman but she left me for the woods, a place I just could not live.

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