Invision

I knew why I was there, but couldn't give her what she wanted. But maybe I had places to go, people to see, as a friend used to say in the army in Greece. Maybe I could not afford the possible compromise.

Back in China Town at the restaurant, we sat in one of those wooden enclosures with a curtain door cover at a round table for six. I got my back up. She was assuming I was low class and thus could use me. What should I care - that is what I wanted. The problem was the reason. This I had not considered before. It was real and I was to be treated as something less. Actually it had always been that she is something more, but not that I was something less. I had not faced up to the proposition intellectually, that I am something less, although I liked the feeling. I loved the feeling - that was the problem, even if it was the opposite of the man/woman natural sexual natures. And it conflicted with my intellectual preference for equity.

I became indignant although I didn't show it and declined. I was too young and took it personally. So I pretended to be incensed in my mind. Like someone said once at some church thing way back, what is he God ? meaning me. And I was incensed that I should be compared to God - how dare he. But on some level I was proud and flattered but wouldn't admit it, because I was and could not be God, and to think of such a thing was a sin. I got onto my high-minded horse. My body wanted to do it, but my mind would not allow it, like the chess game in the Seinfeld episode of 'The Nose Job'.

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