Cheryl

The Peacock is still around. Saw him on the fence in the morning. In the afternoon I went to the street to get the refuse bins, and he was in the driveway. Coming back with the bins he was between buildings. The gate was open so he could go in there. Or he could try to go around me, but I had the two wheeled bins on either side of me, dragging them both in at the same time. He stood there. I stood there - waiting for him to decide what to do. I could see him thinking. He wanted to go around me. He had no thought of going through the gate. Probably knew what a gate was. Finally he flew up on the fence, and then onto the roof. He is completely tame and seems used to people. Don't see the lizard much anymore. He seems to have expanded his territory. The other day I heard something coming through the leaves. I looked down and it was him just a foot from my feet. He is now twice the size he was before.

But back to Cliff. I had told him I had retained my ego and emotions. "That is a false idea, the ego is an illusion", Cliff said. I replied, "Why would I want to take all the fun out of life. If I am here, why would I not want be what I am? Why be a vegetable? Take away the emotions of life and what have you got - sit all day and meditate?". He replied, "The ego is a false self-made of illusion. When you die where will your ego be? It won't exist. It was an illusion. You want to transcend this false ego now". So I said, "Why would I want to be in heaven when I am already on earth? It would be negating my present existence". What I did do was destroy my belief, and create an inquisitor beyond the belief of the old self. So to the extent that belief is your ego, as belief is how you decide, I did destroy my old ego, but rebuilt it over time with new belief. When you transcend belief you get to believe whatever you want. You decide what to believe and what not. When you decide for yourself, then you can control belief and it does not control you, or you control the ego and the ego does not control you.

Emotion is energy and drive but it is based on belief. The more important the belief the more emotion exhibited. The problem with belief is that it is very limiting. You only believe you are one person at a time, and thus can only learn what one person can learn. That is where illusion comes in. The degree of belief determines the realness of experience. If you believe an illusion, then to the extent that it seems real, is to the extent that one will experience it as real consequence and importance, and that in turn may reflect the degree of emotion.

For instance the other night I woke around midnight and I knew it was going to take a cigarette to get back to sleep. I went out back and there in the southeastern sky was maybe the brightest star-like-thing I have ever seen. It was a bright point and what seemed to be four spokes on its lower left side. But maybe that's my eyes. I thought I needed my binoculars. Looking through the field glasses, it appeared to be a giant comet. It was all pock-marked and wavy lines undulating in it. Well this was it - the end of the world. Why hadn't I heard of this? It is maybe an early 2012, maybe the Rapture. The end of the world is predicted forever, and one hears of it all their lives. One might make speculations about it. Many believe they will experience the end of the world. So to actually experience it, is for some a dream of a lifetime.

I looked at it and looked till my arms got tired from holding up the binoculars. What am I suppose to do now? Now I got to stay up all night? This may the end of the world? I have to stay up and watch it. I had my smoke while watching the comet, naked-eyed through the trees. I can't stay up all night. But I have to. This is a lifetime event. This is the end of the world or the aliens are landing. It's big. Then I decided to look at another star through the binoculars. It was the same comet looking thing. It was some weird optical illusion created by the glasses. It was an illusion. It was an experience of the world ending comet and what I thought was - "I have to stay up all night". With that kind of reaction maybe I didn't believe it at all, or not as sincerely as the situation seemed to require. There was certainly not much emotion. However the point is I could not have had the experience without the illusion. The degree of belief would give it an equivalent degree of emotional energy. Illusion here is a learning tool. I saw the light again last night. It is very bright and probably Jupiter.

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